My newest favorite friend is Shellie Kendrick and she is an absolute professional at making embarrassing moments a hilarious part of my everyday. I can't claim to be able to rival her retelling of her most horrible moments in life, and I can't hope to match the joy she has given me by blogging about them. However, I dedicate this post to her (plus she was all nagging and accusing me that I don't blog often enough for her taste).
Once upon a time, at the tender age of 12, I had a mad crush on a boy. His name was Jayson Kennedy. I drew pictures of him and wrote his name repeatedly all alone in my room while listening to Wilson Philips. He was the coolest boy in 6th grade. I think this was largely due to the fact that he was the only black kid to attend my school in a decade or two, and also because the dude had hair like MC Hammer and a killer running man to match. It was the first time I remember thinking that dancing was hot. Actually at the time I used the word "fine" or "foin". He had a best friend named Jacob Majors. It sounds like a foin name to be sure, but he was the nerdiest looking kid you've ever seen- super blonde hair, glasses so thick he looked cross eyed, and a lisp to boot. But that guy was funny. So we all over looked the dorky exterior cause we really did like him. As a matter of fact, my friend Jennie had a crush on him, and I decided I did too after a while.
At my school, everyone at recess had to get a pass from the Aide to go in and use the restroom. The closest bathroom to the playground was the one in the 6th grade so there was always a 6th grader stationed at the bathroom doors in an authoritative neon orange vest checking for a pass from anyone going into the restroom. The Bathroom Bouncer if you will. This job was highly desirable because it meant that you got to stay there and bum around during all the grade's lunch recesses while the other sixth grade suckers had to go back to class. One fateful day, Jayson Kennedy had this job...
That day little awkward knock-kneed 6th grade Michelle decided to stall doing math so had a sudden need to walk really really slowly to the restroom and carefully study everything on my way as though that was what I was going to be quizzed on when I returned to class. I rounded the corner to the bathroom and there sat Jayson Kennedy, looking as cool as could be, leaned back on two legs of the chair against the red brick wall and donning an orange vest that I was certain was the only person to look that rad in it. He teasingly asked me if I had a pass and I sheepishly nodded and slid past him against the opposite wall trying to hide my flushed cheeks. So since I didn't really have to go to the bathroom I stood at the sink and tried to breath again. Fixed my hair, which I'm now certain was unsalvagable, and then decided to pee anyway... but very quietly because I would be so embarrassed if he heard me. As I exited the bathroom he put his high-topped foot up on the wall while still balancing on two legs of the chair and said "So did you wash your hands?" and gave me a crooked smile. Since I had no idea how to flirt I just said "Uh, yes..." (I hadn't) and waited for him to drop his foot. Then I as I walked past I suddenly had a spurt of sass, a swing in my step, I think I may have even flipped my loose french braid over my shoulder. I disguised my sheepishness so well he couldn't possibly have detected that I like him. And then I walked away on a cloud because holy crap I think he likes me!!! He must! He was being all cute, and did you see that smile? Oh...my...gosh. My cheeks were warm and my pits were getting sweaty for like the 3rd time in my life and I finally had a need for that deodorant I had begged my mom for. And then I realized something... a weird tugging feeling at the back of my waste band. Did I tuck my shirt in funny? So I pulled at the front of my shirt to adjust it. Then I pulled at the front of the elastic waistband of my pink and orange cotton unit. It still felt funny as I walked. So then... I can't say it... it's giving me bad feelings in my heart.... I reached to the back of my waistband to discover a long flowing tail of toilet paper. It was so long that it was dragging on the ground which is what created the funny tugging sensation. I HAD A T.P. TAIL IN FRONT OF JAYSON KENNEDY. Someone please just kill me. I was walking all sassy and it was probably swinging like I was a freaking cat... a rough one ply toilet paper cat.
HOW could this have happened? I'm now assuming that as I stood up to pull up my pants at the toilet that the long strip of t.p. hanging from the roll got caught in my waistband and as I walked away to go not wash my hands (cause I was in 6th grade and I was gross) it just kept pulling off the roll until it finally broke. But at the time, I didn't care how it happened, I just cared that it had. I balled it up in my fist behind my back without looking at that horrible horrible sight as fast as I could (which seemed to take a shocking amount of time and I envisioned that it stretched from my pants all the way back to the bathroom where Jayson K. was laughing and deciding when to tell the whole grade). I slunk into my desk and stuffed it into my tote tray.
I don't remember what happened after that. I may have blacked out from shame. From riding on the shame train. The shame train of toilet paper.
But you know what? No one ever said a word about it, not even Jayson Kennedy. That's the kind of classy guy he was.
Well, rather than asking standard questions like "Does your person have a moustache?", or "Is your person a boy or a girl?", Jeff and his brothers ask questions like this:
(These are direct quotes here people)
"Has your person ever participated in plural marriage?"
"Does your person have poor self esteem?"
"Does your person have backne?"
"Has your person ever been on America's Most Wanted?"
"Has your guy ever had a date in his whole life?"
"Has your person washed his hair in the last month?"
"Has Stephen King ever based a character on your guy?"
I think you get the picture. The rest of us try not to ask too many questions, it's much much too easy to pokes holes in their logic... mostly because there is none. However, the astonishing part is that they can usually guess the correct person based on these inane questions.
You may be asking yourself why Jeff is playing "Guess Who" with a homeless guy, it's actually his brother Philip who decided (to our displeasure) not to shave or do his hair while on our vacation over Christmas break. One word: FANCY.
